ohhhhh~ my previous blog was on august 15, even before the school year started.. and guess what.. Today I am done with this semester! wooohooooo!!!! ^^ Hmmm... just a few more days and it will be my one year anniversary in USA.. Time flies, people change, things have changed too. It has been a nostalgic year for me.
Today i managed to "meet up" with my ex god brother collin.. He was absent from my life for about 6 years.. and I could only say meeting up again with him really brings back lots and lots of memories, even almost tears in my eyes.
This year has been relatively much harder for me. I used to wonder why have adults so many problems, and why are they always troubled by so many things of this world. They should just chill and be like us kids, relax and enjoy life. But I think I've grown up as well, cause i am starting to worry a lot about stuff that only adults would; like where to live, where to get money, food and stuff...
Life for me is like a pilgrimage. I feel like I am not done yet, this is not where I belonged; therefore the things that I do, I do because of obligation. for example, I go to school, do church stuff, go to meetings, because i have to not because i wanted to. I guess i refused to live in the present. it is too harsh. I always look back to the pass, and keep reminisce on the "good" things when i was in high school and stuff.
back to the ex brother Collin, meeting him once again remind me that I have to wake up from my dream. I know that he is not the collin I used to call brother anymore. He has his own life now, and it is without me. No matter what I do; telling him how was our pass and stuff, it just won't work out. That's because those are PASS, it won't happen again. I won't be THAT "spiritual", THAT "smart", THAT "slim", THAT "popular" or whatever again. Thinking about how i used to be "good" won't bring me anywhere. I need to live in the present. (oh ya in psychology we call living in the present and enjoying it as "mindfulness" ^^).
Yea, it's time to go home, and realise that my home isn't the same anymore as well. I have been imagining how good it is to be home; definitely with good food, good sleep, good shopping, good time with famlay and stuff.. But i really need to go home, so that i will realise that it is not as perfect as I've imagined. So that after doing that, I would wake up and really start living my life in US.
I am currently thinking of
raymond sim, adric ang, zhengling, philip, wei qi, sunquan, mommi, collin, sengmeng, tsehwei, teshuen, joanne, mp, dataran, cendol, aunt corina, church piano, popo, papa, grace, joey, aunt nancy, uncle william, aunt waipeng, roy, sarah shin, tina, joy, mao, eeyong, chuin pei, kahyong, teckwei, elsen, sebastian, kienleong, TAMC, HMCC, MGC, chinese calvary church, john, soocheng, mamak stall, roti canai, cendol, my house at tmn asean, kpg 8, pasar malam, facial, cut hair, o chien, satay celup, sufes, dim sum, shah alam, my maid (donno her name =.=), alan, kelvin, tony..
and none of them is still the same.. they moved on in life. Even the o chien moved on in life.
I need to move on as well.
it's gonna be 2009 soon.
very soon
MOVING ON.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Next chapter of life
In conjunction with Cassandra’s comment on my previous blog, I have to write this blog. I have to say that I felt really ashamed that I was being so faithless in God. I mean I was like a ship toasted in the ocean, waving back and forth without really holding on to Jesus as my Savior and Anchor. But I did understand as well that life as a Christian is not always easy and smooth; it is bound to have ups and downs. Therefore, during those times when I was going through the valley of life, I chose to
blog too instead of covering it up and only blog about the nice things in life. And I would say that I am really glad that God helped me out and up again!! He led me out of the depression mode and filled my heart with joy. Though I am sure that I will not always be in this joyful season of my life, but I hope that I will learn to trust in God’s faithfulness, presence and love for me and not to be led by my emotions and feelings.
Recently I felt in love with going to church, going to meet God and his people. Even like I am heading to Florida tomorrow for Disney World (yes, I am), I feel kinda dilemma because I will miss going to church this weekend and also International OCR (an event where our church welcomes incoming international students to our campus).
I am currently living in my friend’s apartment living room because I am supposed to move in my new place on 24th August, so am temporarily homeless (well, I am already used to the feeling of homelessness and my next house is gonna be my 4th house in these 8 months.)
I had been pretty busy lately with attending church meetings, renovating my new church building, helping people to move out, working out and stuffs. That’s why I have been sleeping for 12-14 hours per day for almost a week. I really passed out. It is quite impressive right? ^^ So, I learnt how to speckle, sand, wash and paint the walls, wash brushes (got special technique one! XP), and so on! It was really a nice experience! Next time I can renovate my own house =).it’s a pure joy to see the transformation of the building; from ugly walls to like white washed walls after u speckle, primer, and paint them; they look really, really fabulous! And you know that u took part in doing that! That’s why even though I was really tired, I still chose to go to help renovating the church!
Also, I was working out for about 40 minutes per day, running or swimming, or sometimes both. There is a ministry in my church called “finishing line” where we will gather to run together with other Christians. So I was running with 2 “slave drivers” called loo soon yi and bobby. These two guys literally used all techniques to “drive” me to run without stopping; conning me with water or pleasant mental images such as cold cup of fruit juice, words of encouragement, challenges, etc. It was nice. I know that my stamina and perseverance really improved. Trainings that I thought were too much or impossible were accomplish much easier now (like running for 3.5 miles). It I really thank God for this opportunity to train myself physically; he placed people around me to help me work out so that I wouldn’t be too fat, too lazy, and too unhealthy. My heavenly dad is so good!!!
Arh it’s so late now, guess I am gonna get going to do my QT and sleep!
Oh ya, I wanna thank God also for my LCG partner Sarah too! (LCG is a group where u partner up with another person to keep each other accountable in spiritual life) She is such a good counselor and encourager to me! Sarah is a Korean girl from Malaysia, but I like to tease her that she is a Malaysian girl from Korea. Whatever it is, these people are really God-sent messengers to pick me up running the race of faith again! God is faithful! Even when I don’t see it, he is. Oh ya, I have successfully rented out two of my rooms!! I really thank God for providing people! If he doesn’t help, I have to pay $1800 for the lost! And I just have to say that God is faithful, he has the perfect timing, and he is great and cool! Yay!!
It's gonna be a next chapter of life as the new school year kicks off on sept 1, where I will be having most of my classes in the school of engineering (yes, i am admitted this Fall as a engineering student!). I will be traveling by bus to school, and my new house will gonna be in a living room with two other graduate students in the rooms. slowly, most of the international friends would be coming back from their respective countries!
I am excited now for the new year! =)
blog too instead of covering it up and only blog about the nice things in life. And I would say that I am really glad that God helped me out and up again!! He led me out of the depression mode and filled my heart with joy. Though I am sure that I will not always be in this joyful season of my life, but I hope that I will learn to trust in God’s faithfulness, presence and love for me and not to be led by my emotions and feelings.
Recently I felt in love with going to church, going to meet God and his people. Even like I am heading to Florida tomorrow for Disney World (yes, I am), I feel kinda dilemma because I will miss going to church this weekend and also International OCR (an event where our church welcomes incoming international students to our campus).
I am currently living in my friend’s apartment living room because I am supposed to move in my new place on 24th August, so am temporarily homeless (well, I am already used to the feeling of homelessness and my next house is gonna be my 4th house in these 8 months.)
I had been pretty busy lately with attending church meetings, renovating my new church building, helping people to move out, working out and stuffs. That’s why I have been sleeping for 12-14 hours per day for almost a week. I really passed out. It is quite impressive right? ^^ So, I learnt how to speckle, sand, wash and paint the walls, wash brushes (got special technique one! XP), and so on! It was really a nice experience! Next time I can renovate my own house =).it’s a pure joy to see the transformation of the building; from ugly walls to like white washed walls after u speckle, primer, and paint them; they look really, really fabulous! And you know that u took part in doing that! That’s why even though I was really tired, I still chose to go to help renovating the church!
Also, I was working out for about 40 minutes per day, running or swimming, or sometimes both. There is a ministry in my church called “finishing line” where we will gather to run together with other Christians. So I was running with 2 “slave drivers” called loo soon yi and bobby. These two guys literally used all techniques to “drive” me to run without stopping; conning me with water or pleasant mental images such as cold cup of fruit juice, words of encouragement, challenges, etc. It was nice. I know that my stamina and perseverance really improved. Trainings that I thought were too much or impossible were accomplish much easier now (like running for 3.5 miles). It I really thank God for this opportunity to train myself physically; he placed people around me to help me work out so that I wouldn’t be too fat, too lazy, and too unhealthy. My heavenly dad is so good!!!
Arh it’s so late now, guess I am gonna get going to do my QT and sleep!
Oh ya, I wanna thank God also for my LCG partner Sarah too! (LCG is a group where u partner up with another person to keep each other accountable in spiritual life) She is such a good counselor and encourager to me! Sarah is a Korean girl from Malaysia, but I like to tease her that she is a Malaysian girl from Korea. Whatever it is, these people are really God-sent messengers to pick me up running the race of faith again! God is faithful! Even when I don’t see it, he is. Oh ya, I have successfully rented out two of my rooms!! I really thank God for providing people! If he doesn’t help, I have to pay $1800 for the lost! And I just have to say that God is faithful, he has the perfect timing, and he is great and cool! Yay!!
It's gonna be a next chapter of life as the new school year kicks off on sept 1, where I will be having most of my classes in the school of engineering (yes, i am admitted this Fall as a engineering student!). I will be traveling by bus to school, and my new house will gonna be in a living room with two other graduate students in the rooms. slowly, most of the international friends would be coming back from their respective countries!
I am excited now for the new year! =)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
arh i hate life!!!! hate it hate it hate it!!!
ooohhh, it's been 8 months again since i last came! Time really flies. Gosh i feel so out of no where now! I hate life now; i've been thinking, if this is the life that i'm gonna lead, it's better if i just die now. I hate living now. I am so out of semangat already. I hate life. it's boring. I have lost the smile.
So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.
I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.
Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.
life!! come back to me again!!!!!
Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.
-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan
So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.
I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.
Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.
life!! come back to me again!!!!!
Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.
-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
hihihi so happy to be here again!!
woh! seriously long never blog at blogger d... nw using frenster to blog.. well i bumped back into blogger when i wanted to visit my fren, mao's blog.. and i realised, wao! its been one yr or more since i was last here! and its actually a wonderful thing to look back at the pass, sop nostalgic~
Lol~ looking back the previous blog i was still struggling at the cross road of life with which route to take... but here i am today, chosen the road of JPA to take up engineering and go to the states.. in previous blog i said that i'm gonna be condemned if i was forced to stay science.. well, it's more than i could imagine... not only have i remain a sc student, i have chosen to do Physics, sumthg which i could never have thought of! it's amazing how God works! i never thought tht i could get JPA!!
well, i am really like the stiff-necked israelites who always complain to God abt everything! i used to thank God alot tht he brought me this blessing of scholarhship, cus i really leanrt alot in INTEC uitm... however as days go by and i encountered hardships.. i started to complaint tht if i have not been herre i wouldnt be so stressed up and so on.. well... forgetful and ungrateful human i am..!! shouldnt be liddat o! T.T yaya repenting...
life really getting tough here cos I have changed to become someone who always want perfect marks... 100 or above 90... and its so discouraging when i couldnt get despite of the hardwork invested.. And i started to bury myself in piles of books and studies... that i literally forget that the world is still spinning.. and there's still a blue blue sky outside! until the day b4 i lead in worship, i found myself so depress tht i think i might go coo coo anytime then... then i chat with my brother thru the net and he said i have to reformat my brain.. i have neglected so many things cuz of my studies.. and life is not all abt studies.. i shouldnt chase after sumthg which at the end of the day, is sumthg found to be nothing...chase after wind in short... that made me realise alot... and i am getting better now... God encouraged me when many ppl complimented on the wonderful leading, and when he gave me a chance to encouraged anotehr brother in christ! so wonderful!
lol i dunno whether i am considered as stagnant, worsen or improved in my relationship w God... thinking much only make it confusing. Wat i could do now is just to try my best step by step to follow him as close as i could... not forcing myself to be perfect.. yapp...
dunno y i started to blog here leh... don have many frens at blogger and i wonder who wud read >.!
Lol~ looking back the previous blog i was still struggling at the cross road of life with which route to take... but here i am today, chosen the road of JPA to take up engineering and go to the states.. in previous blog i said that i'm gonna be condemned if i was forced to stay science.. well, it's more than i could imagine... not only have i remain a sc student, i have chosen to do Physics, sumthg which i could never have thought of! it's amazing how God works! i never thought tht i could get JPA!!
well, i am really like the stiff-necked israelites who always complain to God abt everything! i used to thank God alot tht he brought me this blessing of scholarhship, cus i really leanrt alot in INTEC uitm... however as days go by and i encountered hardships.. i started to complaint tht if i have not been herre i wouldnt be so stressed up and so on.. well... forgetful and ungrateful human i am..!! shouldnt be liddat o! T.T yaya repenting...
life really getting tough here cos I have changed to become someone who always want perfect marks... 100 or above 90... and its so discouraging when i couldnt get despite of the hardwork invested.. And i started to bury myself in piles of books and studies... that i literally forget that the world is still spinning.. and there's still a blue blue sky outside! until the day b4 i lead in worship, i found myself so depress tht i think i might go coo coo anytime then... then i chat with my brother thru the net and he said i have to reformat my brain.. i have neglected so many things cuz of my studies.. and life is not all abt studies.. i shouldnt chase after sumthg which at the end of the day, is sumthg found to be nothing...chase after wind in short... that made me realise alot... and i am getting better now... God encouraged me when many ppl complimented on the wonderful leading, and when he gave me a chance to encouraged anotehr brother in christ! so wonderful!
lol i dunno whether i am considered as stagnant, worsen or improved in my relationship w God... thinking much only make it confusing. Wat i could do now is just to try my best step by step to follow him as close as i could... not forcing myself to be perfect.. yapp...
dunno y i started to blog here leh... don have many frens at blogger and i wonder who wud read >.!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
MYF update
today our MYF lesson book finished. So when uncle william asked what are we suppose to do?? then sudenly outta no where i said everyone of us shd preach! =.= so now we wanna try out this system, where everyone is given a topic to prepare a short sharing to teach the others.. but dunno will work out o not! Hope God will lead la!
and actually during sharing time we are suppose to share what we learnt in our Qt, but these guys ah, nvr prepare. ONi me n uncle poo talked =.= mission failed!
anyway, will continue on for i believe tht God will lead!
and actually during sharing time we are suppose to share what we learnt in our Qt, but these guys ah, nvr prepare. ONi me n uncle poo talked =.= mission failed!
anyway, will continue on for i believe tht God will lead!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
happy day!
today is my birthday!! Very happy to rcv messages from various frens to wish me! tq buddies!! However the passion of celebrating birthday has really decresed in me. Haha come to think of the pass, i would really expect my birthday like expecting my wedding! For real! And would really feel very sad over it when others dun rmb. But now ehem things tasteless n tasteless..
ehhh... i didnt get to transfer to art stream oh.. so stay science lor, study bio.. fuh~! Hem, hope everything is in God's control la, i dunno. Cos if it wasnt the approval letter for gbs came so late n made me felt so unsettle, therez a big possibility i would reappeal again in the jabatan. But today straight after i rcvd the disapproval letter i rushed to buy all those books. Really feel liek settleling down lor. Mayb therez one of how God works. Thank God thru everything i noe he will guide me!
Happy birthday to me!!!
ehhh... i didnt get to transfer to art stream oh.. so stay science lor, study bio.. fuh~! Hem, hope everything is in God's control la, i dunno. Cos if it wasnt the approval letter for gbs came so late n made me felt so unsettle, therez a big possibility i would reappeal again in the jabatan. But today straight after i rcvd the disapproval letter i rushed to buy all those books. Really feel liek settleling down lor. Mayb therez one of how God works. Thank God thru everything i noe he will guide me!
Happy birthday to me!!!
Monday, June 19, 2006
fuh
err, christians cant be in yoked with non christians rite? tht means canot be together la. N me, i really tht kinda soh soh one in terms of this kinda relationship. 1stly, if like someone leh, then will like cant concentrate in everythg, then like d leh, then tell tht someone d leh, then few days can forget ppl. This is call dig own grave n dig the grave for others. Vy charm?? Any solution to this illness of me ah?? Fuh!! So i think now i m going thru a difficult period again lor.
tht guy dun mind one haha. He just wanna strive in everythg he do, leaving me now so struggle.. but y so childish hweelin o hweelin, noeing somethg tht is impossible just let go lah, soh soh de. really soh soh de.
N.. f6 letter still havent come yet, really so charm. The whole mlc rcvd letter d except gbs. Dun really noe whatz happening. N by the time i got settled down i will surely missed lots of lessons. Anyway God will take care of it I m sure. hehe. But then gg to sch now is really a boring thing for me, cos oni go for PA n Math(which i hate alot).. N during chem really din pay attention at all.. wahhaa if forced to stay sc how could i survive?? Lol.
when can i be strong again? When can my heart be still? when can my heart store no one but God?
sorry dad
tht guy dun mind one haha. He just wanna strive in everythg he do, leaving me now so struggle.. but y so childish hweelin o hweelin, noeing somethg tht is impossible just let go lah, soh soh de. really soh soh de.
N.. f6 letter still havent come yet, really so charm. The whole mlc rcvd letter d except gbs. Dun really noe whatz happening. N by the time i got settled down i will surely missed lots of lessons. Anyway God will take care of it I m sure. hehe. But then gg to sch now is really a boring thing for me, cos oni go for PA n Math(which i hate alot).. N during chem really din pay attention at all.. wahhaa if forced to stay sc how could i survive?? Lol.
when can i be strong again? When can my heart be still? when can my heart store no one but God?
sorry dad
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