ohhhhh~ my previous blog was on august 15, even before the school year started.. and guess what.. Today I am done with this semester! wooohooooo!!!! ^^ Hmmm... just a few more days and it will be my one year anniversary in USA.. Time flies, people change, things have changed too. It has been a nostalgic year for me.
Today i managed to "meet up" with my ex god brother collin.. He was absent from my life for about 6 years.. and I could only say meeting up again with him really brings back lots and lots of memories, even almost tears in my eyes.
This year has been relatively much harder for me. I used to wonder why have adults so many problems, and why are they always troubled by so many things of this world. They should just chill and be like us kids, relax and enjoy life. But I think I've grown up as well, cause i am starting to worry a lot about stuff that only adults would; like where to live, where to get money, food and stuff...
Life for me is like a pilgrimage. I feel like I am not done yet, this is not where I belonged; therefore the things that I do, I do because of obligation. for example, I go to school, do church stuff, go to meetings, because i have to not because i wanted to. I guess i refused to live in the present. it is too harsh. I always look back to the pass, and keep reminisce on the "good" things when i was in high school and stuff.
back to the ex brother Collin, meeting him once again remind me that I have to wake up from my dream. I know that he is not the collin I used to call brother anymore. He has his own life now, and it is without me. No matter what I do; telling him how was our pass and stuff, it just won't work out. That's because those are PASS, it won't happen again. I won't be THAT "spiritual", THAT "smart", THAT "slim", THAT "popular" or whatever again. Thinking about how i used to be "good" won't bring me anywhere. I need to live in the present. (oh ya in psychology we call living in the present and enjoying it as "mindfulness" ^^).
Yea, it's time to go home, and realise that my home isn't the same anymore as well. I have been imagining how good it is to be home; definitely with good food, good sleep, good shopping, good time with famlay and stuff.. But i really need to go home, so that i will realise that it is not as perfect as I've imagined. So that after doing that, I would wake up and really start living my life in US.
I am currently thinking of
raymond sim, adric ang, zhengling, philip, wei qi, sunquan, mommi, collin, sengmeng, tsehwei, teshuen, joanne, mp, dataran, cendol, aunt corina, church piano, popo, papa, grace, joey, aunt nancy, uncle william, aunt waipeng, roy, sarah shin, tina, joy, mao, eeyong, chuin pei, kahyong, teckwei, elsen, sebastian, kienleong, TAMC, HMCC, MGC, chinese calvary church, john, soocheng, mamak stall, roti canai, cendol, my house at tmn asean, kpg 8, pasar malam, facial, cut hair, o chien, satay celup, sufes, dim sum, shah alam, my maid (donno her name =.=), alan, kelvin, tony..
and none of them is still the same.. they moved on in life. Even the o chien moved on in life.
I need to move on as well.
it's gonna be 2009 soon.
very soon
MOVING ON.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Next chapter of life
In conjunction with Cassandra’s comment on my previous blog, I have to write this blog. I have to say that I felt really ashamed that I was being so faithless in God. I mean I was like a ship toasted in the ocean, waving back and forth without really holding on to Jesus as my Savior and Anchor. But I did understand as well that life as a Christian is not always easy and smooth; it is bound to have ups and downs. Therefore, during those times when I was going through the valley of life, I chose to
blog too instead of covering it up and only blog about the nice things in life. And I would say that I am really glad that God helped me out and up again!! He led me out of the depression mode and filled my heart with joy. Though I am sure that I will not always be in this joyful season of my life, but I hope that I will learn to trust in God’s faithfulness, presence and love for me and not to be led by my emotions and feelings.
Recently I felt in love with going to church, going to meet God and his people. Even like I am heading to Florida tomorrow for Disney World (yes, I am), I feel kinda dilemma because I will miss going to church this weekend and also International OCR (an event where our church welcomes incoming international students to our campus).
I am currently living in my friend’s apartment living room because I am supposed to move in my new place on 24th August, so am temporarily homeless (well, I am already used to the feeling of homelessness and my next house is gonna be my 4th house in these 8 months.)
I had been pretty busy lately with attending church meetings, renovating my new church building, helping people to move out, working out and stuffs. That’s why I have been sleeping for 12-14 hours per day for almost a week. I really passed out. It is quite impressive right? ^^ So, I learnt how to speckle, sand, wash and paint the walls, wash brushes (got special technique one! XP), and so on! It was really a nice experience! Next time I can renovate my own house =).it’s a pure joy to see the transformation of the building; from ugly walls to like white washed walls after u speckle, primer, and paint them; they look really, really fabulous! And you know that u took part in doing that! That’s why even though I was really tired, I still chose to go to help renovating the church!
Also, I was working out for about 40 minutes per day, running or swimming, or sometimes both. There is a ministry in my church called “finishing line” where we will gather to run together with other Christians. So I was running with 2 “slave drivers” called loo soon yi and bobby. These two guys literally used all techniques to “drive” me to run without stopping; conning me with water or pleasant mental images such as cold cup of fruit juice, words of encouragement, challenges, etc. It was nice. I know that my stamina and perseverance really improved. Trainings that I thought were too much or impossible were accomplish much easier now (like running for 3.5 miles). It I really thank God for this opportunity to train myself physically; he placed people around me to help me work out so that I wouldn’t be too fat, too lazy, and too unhealthy. My heavenly dad is so good!!!
Arh it’s so late now, guess I am gonna get going to do my QT and sleep!
Oh ya, I wanna thank God also for my LCG partner Sarah too! (LCG is a group where u partner up with another person to keep each other accountable in spiritual life) She is such a good counselor and encourager to me! Sarah is a Korean girl from Malaysia, but I like to tease her that she is a Malaysian girl from Korea. Whatever it is, these people are really God-sent messengers to pick me up running the race of faith again! God is faithful! Even when I don’t see it, he is. Oh ya, I have successfully rented out two of my rooms!! I really thank God for providing people! If he doesn’t help, I have to pay $1800 for the lost! And I just have to say that God is faithful, he has the perfect timing, and he is great and cool! Yay!!
It's gonna be a next chapter of life as the new school year kicks off on sept 1, where I will be having most of my classes in the school of engineering (yes, i am admitted this Fall as a engineering student!). I will be traveling by bus to school, and my new house will gonna be in a living room with two other graduate students in the rooms. slowly, most of the international friends would be coming back from their respective countries!
I am excited now for the new year! =)
blog too instead of covering it up and only blog about the nice things in life. And I would say that I am really glad that God helped me out and up again!! He led me out of the depression mode and filled my heart with joy. Though I am sure that I will not always be in this joyful season of my life, but I hope that I will learn to trust in God’s faithfulness, presence and love for me and not to be led by my emotions and feelings.
Recently I felt in love with going to church, going to meet God and his people. Even like I am heading to Florida tomorrow for Disney World (yes, I am), I feel kinda dilemma because I will miss going to church this weekend and also International OCR (an event where our church welcomes incoming international students to our campus).
I am currently living in my friend’s apartment living room because I am supposed to move in my new place on 24th August, so am temporarily homeless (well, I am already used to the feeling of homelessness and my next house is gonna be my 4th house in these 8 months.)
I had been pretty busy lately with attending church meetings, renovating my new church building, helping people to move out, working out and stuffs. That’s why I have been sleeping for 12-14 hours per day for almost a week. I really passed out. It is quite impressive right? ^^ So, I learnt how to speckle, sand, wash and paint the walls, wash brushes (got special technique one! XP), and so on! It was really a nice experience! Next time I can renovate my own house =).it’s a pure joy to see the transformation of the building; from ugly walls to like white washed walls after u speckle, primer, and paint them; they look really, really fabulous! And you know that u took part in doing that! That’s why even though I was really tired, I still chose to go to help renovating the church!
Also, I was working out for about 40 minutes per day, running or swimming, or sometimes both. There is a ministry in my church called “finishing line” where we will gather to run together with other Christians. So I was running with 2 “slave drivers” called loo soon yi and bobby. These two guys literally used all techniques to “drive” me to run without stopping; conning me with water or pleasant mental images such as cold cup of fruit juice, words of encouragement, challenges, etc. It was nice. I know that my stamina and perseverance really improved. Trainings that I thought were too much or impossible were accomplish much easier now (like running for 3.5 miles). It I really thank God for this opportunity to train myself physically; he placed people around me to help me work out so that I wouldn’t be too fat, too lazy, and too unhealthy. My heavenly dad is so good!!!
Arh it’s so late now, guess I am gonna get going to do my QT and sleep!
Oh ya, I wanna thank God also for my LCG partner Sarah too! (LCG is a group where u partner up with another person to keep each other accountable in spiritual life) She is such a good counselor and encourager to me! Sarah is a Korean girl from Malaysia, but I like to tease her that she is a Malaysian girl from Korea. Whatever it is, these people are really God-sent messengers to pick me up running the race of faith again! God is faithful! Even when I don’t see it, he is. Oh ya, I have successfully rented out two of my rooms!! I really thank God for providing people! If he doesn’t help, I have to pay $1800 for the lost! And I just have to say that God is faithful, he has the perfect timing, and he is great and cool! Yay!!
It's gonna be a next chapter of life as the new school year kicks off on sept 1, where I will be having most of my classes in the school of engineering (yes, i am admitted this Fall as a engineering student!). I will be traveling by bus to school, and my new house will gonna be in a living room with two other graduate students in the rooms. slowly, most of the international friends would be coming back from their respective countries!
I am excited now for the new year! =)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
arh i hate life!!!! hate it hate it hate it!!!
ooohhh, it's been 8 months again since i last came! Time really flies. Gosh i feel so out of no where now! I hate life now; i've been thinking, if this is the life that i'm gonna lead, it's better if i just die now. I hate living now. I am so out of semangat already. I hate life. it's boring. I have lost the smile.
So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.
I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.
Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.
life!! come back to me again!!!!!
Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.
-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan
So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.
I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.
Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.
life!! come back to me again!!!!!
Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.
-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan
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