ooohhh, it's been 8 months again since i last came! Time really flies. Gosh i feel so out of no where now! I hate life now; i've been thinking, if this is the life that i'm gonna lead, it's better if i just die now. I hate living now. I am so out of semangat already. I hate life. it's boring. I have lost the smile.
So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.
I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.
Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.
life!! come back to me again!!!!!
Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.
-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
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