ooohhh, it's been 8 months again since i last came! Time really flies. Gosh i feel so out of no where now! I hate life now; i've been thinking, if this is the life that i'm gonna lead, it's better if i just die now. I hate living now. I am so out of semangat already. I hate life. it's boring. I have lost the smile.
So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.
I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.
Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.
life!! come back to me again!!!!!
Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.
-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan
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5 comments:
Oh you have a blogspot...
bersemangat la...be confident in yourself and you r the winner! keep fighting :)
:) i'm touched by how honest you are before God - knowing that nothing can be hidden from Him, not even your anger or emotional pain... you pour out everything before Him and cry out to Him with all your heart - and I'm sure, God honours the voice of your heart... for you've made yourself transparent before Him... my dear princess :)
Growing up is, indeed, uneasy. Even young men will get tired and stumble... but those who hope in the Lord will find strength in Him once again and soar on eagle's wings with Him... :)
Life can become really stressful... and I can identify with you when you said how ineffective your learning has become... :) And I'm learning to rely solely on God, not my own skills or knowledge, but totally dependent on Him in my studies :)
Maybe you can start once again by asking Him for wisdome? As you seek Him with a humble heart, I believe, your king daddy will never ever let you go :)
for you are precious...
His princess
Oh, honestly you shocked me with your blog. Now I got a clue of why you titled yourself 忧郁公主. Don't really know what to say. Just take it easy and stay strong. 雨后总是有晴天的。:)
i totally agree with you. i know egsactly what you mean. emptyness, no hope, no support or compassion in life anymore. i feel like a rock, have to keep going. do the same things everyday and battle life and desperately trying to find something, anything positive to give me my spark again and myself back. but life keeps torchering me and never gives me a break or fuel to go on with this stinking life. i feel there is nothing in it for me. its full of hate, envy, discrimination and dishonesty.
i am sick in the stomach from how distant and ignorant people have become. people who judge entirely on looks and image and the car you drive think they know you completely. if you are overweight for any reason you are judged, hey you are judged if you are too skinny too, ah yeah dont be a sick person they dont like that its too needy. if you have a lot of knowledge than you are pretentios, if you are too clean its obsessive, if you get up and do everything cause no one else will than you are controlling.if you are very attractive know how to dress and drive a nice car then you are a princess and everything surely is perfect in their life. noooot! everyone is human, everyone feels.......or do they???????????????
wtf is this life about.
ewwwww! its discusting
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